Being One, Alphabetically
B Blueberries: why not allowed to eat unlimited quantities?
C Cat: for kissing.
D Doors, slamming thereof: why so annoying to parents?
E Eggs: specifically omelettes. With cheese. IMMEDIATELY.
F Fuck, matter of time before I say this word, given how often I hear it.
G Gagging: preferred noise to make while in car seat. Achieved by poking around in mouth with fingers. Frightening to mother.
H Help: not required. For anything. Thanks.
I Idiot, am not one. See ‘Stick, banana on a, not the same as ice-cream’.
J Jogging: don’t know what this is. Parents talk about it incessantly but never do it.
K Kissing: done with a loud ‘MMMMMMMMwwahhhhh’ noise, to all quadruped and some bipeds. Also mirrors and certain door frames.
L Learning: At it all the time. Exhausting.
M Mummy: Total pushover. Hairy Mummy: Awesome guy
N Nein: How I say no, accompanied with emphatic head shaking. Maybe am slightly German.
O Open: How the toilet door must remain when Mummy is in there. She might unroll all the loo paper and flush it down the bog otherwise. That’s what I would do.
P Best Food Letter: Pasta, peas, pears, pancakes … the list goes on.
Q Quack: What a duck says, pronounced “ACK”
R Roar: What big cats say.
S Stick, banana on a: Not a real thing and certainly not the same as an ice-cream. Lame.
T Teeth: Very troublesome and painful to get, but useful for blueberry munching.
U Up!: Useful all-purpose word I use to mean both ‘pick me up’ and ‘get me down from my chair’.
V Vaccinations: Four needles this morning. Absolutely barbaric.
W Wallet: My precious. A great day when I received my own loyalty card at Elmar’s smallgoods in WA.
X Xylophone: Splendid toy. You can bang it with anything. See ‘Wallet’, ‘Stick’, Cat’.
Y Yummy, sour but: What my parents call yogurt. Funny, kind of, when I was a baby. Lame now.
Z Zoo: Brilliant place. Animals good but not as much fun as discarding one shoe and waiting to see when parents notice and have to retrace steps.