Halloween Hacks For Parents
4 Simple Costumes!
Zombie: don’t sleep through the night for seven years. You’re good to go.
Cold Sore Monster: stress out like a maniac for a week before Halloween. By the big day you’ll have a nice crop of sores on your lips. Gross.
Count Moneysworth: get the shits about how many random costume parts are alreay in the toy box, yet no child will consider wearing. Put them all on at once. Wear at least three different types of animal ears. A couple of crowns. Novelty glasses, if you have them. Plastic vampire teeth. A mask. Harry Potter scarf. A tail or two. Job done.
Massive Killjoy: Striped shirt, jeans, flat sandals. Roll eyes constantly. Confiscate most of everyone’s treats. Make children eat chicken and vegetables before they go trick or treating.
8 Great Decorating Ideas!
Never wipe the cobwebs off your house.
Drive into your own fence so it’s all rickety.
Carve a jack-o-lantern two weeks early so it rots in the spring heat.
Forget to put the bins out for a couple of weeks before the big day. Add a heat wave.
Make sure your letterbox has fallen off the post and is just lying in the flowerbed. Like it would if an angry ghoul had kicked it there.
Scatter front path with junk mail, as if your house has been long abandoned.
Live beside an abandoned building site.
Decorate the orange tree with stink bugs. Accessorise with an angry man on a ladder plucking them off and swearing as he flings them into a bucket of poison.