1. Is it a book?
Yes: go to question 2.
No: Select again and go back to question 1.
2. Does it have endnotes?
Yes: Go to question 3.
No: Select again and go back to question 1.
3. Does it have a ribbon to mark which page you are up to? Or preferably two ribbons: one for the narrative and one for the endnotes? (I’ve worked in publishing for ten years. You’d think I’d know the proper name for such a ribbon, but I don’t. All I know is that it is not a search criterion on any online bookshops I’ve found, which is a huge mistake on their part.)
Yes: Go to question 4.
No: Select again and go back to question 1.*
4. Is it about World War II in Papua New Guinea?
Yes: Buy it.
No: Go to question 5.
5. Is it about a pre-1940s explorer, and does the cover feature a black and white photo of men whose faces you can’t see because they are wrapped up against the cold or polar bears or something?
Yes: Buy it.
No: Go to question 6.
6. Is it about Australian politics, pre-1950?
Yes: Buy it.
No: Go to question 7.
7. Leave the bookshop. Do John Clarke and Brian Dawe have a new DVD out?
Yes: Buy it.
No: Frame yet another picture of May Blossom and be done with it.
*Exception to the no-ribbon rule: if the book lacks a ribbon but is in all other respects the perfect gift, it is acceptable to supplement the book with a packet of those fancy plastic sticky flags that come in four colours.