• jdettmann

Scientific Analysis of Popular Cold Remedies


Hypothesis: Drinking ginger and turmeric infusion will relieve symptoms of the common cold.

Equipment: Chopping board, knife, fresh ginger, fresh turmeric, coffee plunger, boiling water

Procedure: Cut up the ginger and turmeric. Put in coffee plunger and cover with boiling water. After five minutes, plunge and drink a litre of the infusion.

Results: My chopping board is stained yellow from the turmeric. I have to wee a lot. I still have a stinking cold.

Conclusion: This does not work.

Hypothesis: Running a steam vaporiser in your bedroom will relieve symptoms of the common cold, allowing important recuperative sleep to occur.

Equipment: Steam vaporiser. Bedroom.

Procedure: Fill vaporizer, plug in and go to bed. Wake up every ten minutes to roll onto other side so as to alternate which nostril is blocked, using gravity. After three hours, add snotty feverish two-year old to bed, and don’t really sleep after that.

Results: The inside of the bedroom windows are all wet, I am tired and still have a stinking cold.

Conclusion: This does not work.

Hypothesis: Cutting out dairy products will reduce mucus production, and thus relieve symptoms of the common cold

Equipment: Toddler, sippy cup of almond milk

Procedure: Give toddler sippy cup of almond milk. After ten minutes of listen to him sobbing about how disgusting it is, give toddler cup of cows’ milk. Beat self up about bad parenting.

Results: Snotty toddler at least goes to sleep, which he probably wouldn’t if you had persisted with this almond milk bullshit.

Conclusion: Who knows.

Hypothesis: Using a saline nasal spray will relieve symptoms of the common cold.

Equipment: Fess saline spray, blocked nose.

Procedure: Squirt salt water up each nostril. Blow nose.

Results: Tissues are full of salt water. Nose is still blocked.

Conclusion: This does not work.

Hypothesis: Washing out your sinuses will relieve symptoms of the common cold.

Equipment: Weird bottle with pointy top, hypertonic saline solution.

Procedure: Lean over bathroom sink, stick bottle into one nostril and open mouth so you don’t suffocate. Squirt salty water up one nostril and marvel as it comes out the other, while you breathe loudly through your mouth.

Results: Husband thinks you are gross.

Conclusion: Husband shouldn’t have insisted on watching.

Hypothesis: Eating chicken soup will relieve symptoms of the common cold.

Equipment: Chicken soup

Procedure: Go to fancy butcher and buy some chicken carcasses to make soup. Go to normal shop and buy some ready-made chicken soup. Leave chicken soup at the shop because you are sick and your brain is snotlogged.

Results: Experiment failed. No ready-made soup and only chicken carcasses, which so far have not made themselves into soup.

Conclusion: Inconclusive.

Is there anything I’ve forgotten to try?

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