One morning – bloody early one morning – he asked me the following questions in the space of half an hour, which is how long it takes to boil a kettle and make coffee in our prehistoric kitchen.
“Why does the goanna in Blinky Bill have stripes?” (Does he? I hadn’t noticed. I’m still trying to get my legs to work for the day.)
“Do soldiers have boots?” (Yes? I think? Yes. Definitely they do. )
“Why is sugar sticky?” (So I have more reasons to try to prohibit it. Also so you can use it to pick up other sweet things.)
“What are wet tiles?” (Hard ceramic floor coverings with water on them. Why? Oh REPTILES. Reptiles are cold-blooded vertebrates. Like crocodiles and lizards.)
“Why robbers kill kids?” (For asking too many questions before the robbers have had a coffee.)
“What is banana poo?” (It’s what comes out of the banana’s bum. It’s the waste left over from the food the banana eats. Hang on. What?)
“Why cats eat lizards?” (Because their owners haven’t fed them yet because their owners haven’t had a coffee.)
“Why did May Blossom already get a birthday?” (Because she was born before you. To make your life unbearable.
“When I am going to be five?” (In two more years.)
“Why am I always so alone?” (Because you like are a tiny Morrissey. No really, Garnet. You are literally never alone.)
“What are possums?” (You know what possums are. Those awful animals whose poo we have to wade through to get to the car. Oh BOSOMS? Bosoms are breasts.
“What ‘bosom for a pillow’ mean?’ (It means sleeping on your mummy’s chest. It also means I should play less music from the late 1990s.)
“When I going to have bosoms?” (When you purchase some, if you so choose.)
“Why did we go see Paddington Bear at the movies?” (Because it was a movie you asked to see. Why do you always ask me this? It was a year ago.)
“When I can have my own keys?” (When you have your own house and car.)
“When I can wear undiepants?” (When you do all your poos and wees in the toilet.)
“Remember the time I did a poo on the floor?” (No. You’ve never done a poo on the floor. I think I would remember that. Wait, Garnet, where’s your nappy?)